Boy is life hard. I'm not sure why I'm writing here again. I assume not many will read this. I stopped writing for a while because I just hadn't developed a habit. And I'm sorry.
So many times I say I'm sorry. I say the mistake is mine, even if part of me says that it isn't. I have things to say, and I'm afraid of hurting others when I say them. And more still, I'm afraid of getting hurt again.
There is a person I love who blows up at the littlest things which is hard when those little things are being misread by that person. I may be a little put out because someone else snapped at me and then this person automatically gets angry because I didn't say good morning back to them. They then yell at me saying that I will not ruin their day because of MY bad attitude. Then they compare me to people that they feel have wronged them in their past, taking out old problems on me. While I sit there: confused, hurt, and in tears.
I'm hurt because they took it the wrong way, I'm hurt because their reflexive response was to get angry, yell and attack me with their words because they think that I hurt them first when the problem had nothing to do with them in the first place. I'm hurt because they never stop to ask my side of the story and blame me for not agreeing with their differing point of view. I'm hurt because they think that because they don't hit and they don't swear, that what they are doing is okay when in fact it still feels like abuse. But most of all, I'm hurt because I believe their words. It is all my fault. Even when it's not my fault, it's my fault. The words that echo are that others can't offend you, you can only choose to be offended. I am left asking why because that still feels wrong! But still I hear it enough that at times I being to believe it. Why!? Why couldn't I have just said good morning!? Why couldn't I remember that they react like this all the time? all through my life? Why couldn't I have let go of what hurt me earlier? And now why are all the memories of when this person did this before, coming back to haunt me. Why can't I let go? I'm trying.
I'm trying to forgive others, but it's so hard to forgive others when you believe it when they say it is all your fault. Of course it's my fault. Everyone has faults. And I would love to admit that I have faults. But it still hurts when the other person puts all the blame on you. It hurts me when I see others placing a scapegoat on anyone. And I know their is no running away from this because this person is such an integral part of my life who I love. That's why it hurts so much. It hurts the most when it's coming from the person you feel you should love most. Then I'm left asking myself if I really love them. Love means wanting others to be happy, not wanting them to make you happy. I suppose I do want them happy. But it's so hard to want that when it feels like they don't want you to be happy. Perhaps I read too much into things but that's where I am. I need a chance to forgive myself. I need a way to forgive them. And I need a way to prevent these interactions from happening again without them noticing. They won't listen because they can't.
Can't can't can't. It's nobody's fault if they just physically can't. Right? Being a highly sensitive person means I notice things. And I have to remember that just because I can see something doesn't mean that someone else can or ever will. That doesn't make what they did right, or what I did wrong. Everyone grows at their own paces. In these times I turn to God.
I have felt lonely. When you are no longer a kid, there is no longer a person to turn to for words of wisdom other than God. My testimony is strong. But I can still feel lonely. I'm used to growing up in a chaotic household where something always held my attention, even to the point when I wasn't able to express my own self. And the times when I got out into the world I felt awkward and unsocial and then despised myself for it. But growing up you realize that most kids are awkward and unsocial and goofy and embarrassing because that's just a part of growing up. The bullies of childhood fade away the farther we move away from them. I see a brighter future simply because I know that I am moving forward, farther and farther away. It's painful to know that some things follow you for life. But it's what we make of it right? I...
I want to heal. Truly heal. I want to go through life with a smile on my face and warm fuzzies in my heart while my soul soars. I want to go through the rest of my life without fearing the return of depression. I want to live an intricate, beautiful, adventurous life. And I know there will be hard days, but I hope I can get through that too. I want to be able to get back up every time that life knocks me down.
Forgiveness means fixing your history. True forgiveness takes time. I just hope God can help me through the process. And while their is no promises about whether I get hurt again, I do hope that I can keep forgiving. Them and most especially myself.
If anyone does read this, this is my life. This is what feeds both the light and the dark of my personality. This is the core of my yin and yang. A balance of pain and joy that creates peace. I am young and old. I'm an adult but still a student. I am happy and sad. I am smart and stupid. I am beautiful as well as ugly. I am conservative as well as outgoing. I am creative as well as blocked. I am cool as well as lame. I am as lost as I am found. My hope is to be well rounded, and I think I'm getting there.
If anyone does read this, I ask what is it that you need to forgive? Look at it closely. Try to see the other points of view, honestly, without lying to yourself. Then forgive. And if you find you're having trouble, then try forgiving yourself. I believe in you.
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